Does your heart sink when your kids have to learn about life by experiencing it? It’s a feeling I’m all too familiar with. This is for us moms who want to protect our kids but also know that sometimes we have to step aside and let them learn.
Last weekend, my husband took our five- and seven-year-old boys on a hike while our toddler and I stayed behind. To my amazement, the boys hiked TEN miles with 2,000 feet in elevation gain, landing them at 10,000 feet in the sky.
But what they did doesn’t matter to me nearly as much as what it meant for them.
The moment they walked back through our door—with tired feet and blackened hands—I could see the pride BURSTING from their eyes. They ducked their heads in barely veiled modesty and collapsed into my arms, and they told me that they can do HARD things.
I’m not sure we would have pulled it off if I had been on that hike. In fact, I’m almost sure we wouldn’t have. My mama heart would have wanted to turn around when I saw them struggling.
(My husband, for the record, would have wanted to carry on, but kids always sense invisible cracks in their parents’ resolve, and the hike would have been as good as over.)
But on Saturday, as their dad handed them fruit snack after fruit snack to keep their energy up and took plenty of breaks with them in the shade, they climbed farther than they ever thought they could.
On Saturday, they learned what they’ve got inside of them.
And on Monday, they marched back into “the world” (a.k.a. school) carrying that gift with them.
As their mom, I think of all the times I’ve noticed them mulling over something they heard said at recess or something a neighbor said right inside our home. I’ve watched my oldest plop a spoon into his cereal bowl, observing the miniature splash of milk with detached fascination, as he tells me that his friend “doesn’t know much about Jesus.”
It’s big stuff our kids grapple with. But the best part is—
We get to frame the story.
A hike isn’t just a hike. It is one thousand moments of character development strung together by one thousand footprints in the dirt.
A different belief system from a friend isn’t a difference that has to divide us; it’s a gift that helps us take claim of our own beliefs while also learning to appreciate someone else’s.
A failed test isn’t just a failed test. It’s a lesson in brushing yourself off and trying again the next week.
Rude words from the loose lips of a peer aren’t just a memory that stings. Those rude words are a warning post—to never let our lips be the cause of that kind of heartache.
I’m grateful that I get to frame their stories.
Subtly. Briefly. Daily.
But I don’t get to control the stories. As parents, we don’t get to follow our child’s every move and ensure that the Hard, Sad, and Lonely never make it into the chapters of their lives.
There will be hikes that we miss out on, dances that we don’t get to chaperone, locker conversations we aren’t privy to, and buses we can’t jump on.
Just yesterday my son came in from playing outside and sat heavily down on the couch. I stroked his fuzzy, freshly buzzed head and listened to him tell his story with a shaky voice. (A run-of-the-mill neighborhood squabble today, but the stakes will only get higher as he grows.)
I didn’t get out a single sentence before he was wiping away a couple of crocodile tears and heading back out the front door.
My words literally died in the air as he strode back outside to fight his own battles.
Which is exactly when I remembered that for all the framing we get to do as their parents…
Sometimes we just have to get out of their way and let them learn.
Related: When Simple Living is Anything But
This post has been republished by the Deseret News
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Thanks so much for hosting me, Rebecca!
Beautifully written from the heart. Last weekend, we went camping at a local county campground. As usual, the kids (age 9 and 7) found some of their classmates were camping there, too. It was a big moment for me to step back and allow them more freedom to go and ride their bikes and play with their friends at the playground without their mama hovering. However, we did set some ground rules that they not go back to other campsites without parent permission and they needed to check in at stated intervals. It was one of the best camping trips we’ve ever done.
I’m so glad it turned out so well, Casandra! I totally get what you mean. I think it was much easier to do this a couple of decades ago, but these days, most of us parents keep a pretty close handle on our kids. It feels good to slowly trust them with more responsibility, though! Healthy for both them and us. 🙂
Best wishes!
Oh Erica, this is just beautiful and so very true! I love your heart and perspective!
You are the sweetest as always, Katie!
This is what I needed to read today! Loved the message
Thanks so much, Bridgette! I’m so glad (and honored, really!) to pass on something that struck you today. Best wishes!
As an anxious mom of two little boys, your story struck a chord with me. I am the type that wants to follow them everywhere and train their every word. Thank you for spinning the positive out of the bad situations. You mentioned a great reminder that when a peer says something less than desirable, we can use that opportunity to teach our children to not say the hurtful words.
Thanks for offering your insightful words!
For sure, Kelli! I am SO grateful I get to subtly, gently spin those little experiences into something more valuable. I sure hope it sinks in! And I hope I can walk the line carefully, since it’s a delicate balance between framing, as I mentioned in this post, and stepping aside. Many best wishes to you and your little boys!
I have just sent my oldest off to Kindergarten and my heart has been so heavy because I feel I have jumped into exactly what you have said deeper than I’ve ever experienced. And when I realize that I’m in as shallow as I’ll ever be and it’s only going to get deeper from here…I don’t even have words for how it makes me feel. LOL. It’s so hard to let loose! I loved reading this post!
Right, Lorie?! Your comment had me freaking out a bit. It’s scary! When I think of the kinds of things my boys tell me about already (like “so-and-so won’t let me play with so-and-so”) and imagine that this is just the beginning…Oh man!
At least we moms have got each other!
Beautifully stated! As a parent whose oldest began college last week, all I can say is YES!