“How many baskets do you think I can make in this game, Mom?”
We were driving to a 7th-grade basketball game when my son started speculating about his performance.
“I made 5 in our last game; I should be able to make at least 7 today.” Pause. “Nathan made 10 last time.”
When will parenting stop surprising me? I thought to myself as we approached the school. He still seems so young to me… Too young for this kind of measuring-stick talk and fixation with performance.
I looked at his innocent face, knowing I had so little time before he would swing open the passenger door and jump out to join his friends. So little time to tell him all that I felt in that moment.
All that I believe.
Is it okay if all you want for your kids is an ordinary life?
Because what I want more than anything for my kids is a calm, modest life filled with love and a little adventure—but most of all, an appreciation for the ordinariness of it all.
I want them to stop seeking more and instead appreciate what they have.
I want them to love deeply, not to be liked by many.
I want contentment, security, love, gratitude, and kindness to be the measure of their success—not their number of Instagram followers or the prestige of the college they get into or the paycheck that comes with their chosen career.
I want them to know what a treasure each ordinary day is.
I want them to love the ordinary, to embrace it—to create it.
If I’d had all the time in the world, there in the front-seat of our SUV, I would have told my son—
Take off the pressure, my handsome boy. You have everything you need inside of you.
You don’t need to be loud to be heard. You don’t need to look a certain way to be seen. You don’t need to be liked by everyone. You don’t need to do earth-shattering things to make a difference in this world.
Your worth is not determined by how many baskets you score in today’s basketball game. It does not determine your value to the team, and it has NO baring on your value as an individual.
Your worth has nothing to do with a collection of A’s on a report card, the number of friends you have, or the number of likes you get on social media.
This, my child, is what I want for you:
Less striving for excellence. More time to exhale and take in all the beauty that life is.
Less competing. More completing.
Less seeking applause. More putting your arm around someone who’s lonely.
Less loud. More quiet.
Less needing to be heard. More time to listen.
Less “I’m better than you.” More “how can I be a better me?”
Less striving. More silence.
Less running. More reflection.
Less emphasis on grades. More focus on gratitude.
Less stress. More laughter.
Less pushing. More patience—with others and yourself.
In that moment, I said what I could before my son hopped out of our car. For now, I have to trust that those little conversations—scattered all throughout their childhood and adolescence—will add up for my children, so that they know that I’m not holding up a measuring stick of any kind.
I’m just here, loving them with my arms wide open, hoping that they each get to live thousands of ordinary days—and recognize what a gift those days are.
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This is so beautiful and profound and inspired and just WOW. Thank you so much.
So beautiful! Thank you.
Rebecca, there is so much beauty in this. Your writing really speaks to my heart. So glad you are here sharing goodness like this.
This is a lovely post. Although, it IS still possible to teach children these character traits and them to “get it” while still competing and striving. These character traits have to start being instilled in them at the earliest of ages. They have to see these traits being LIVED out in the parents lives. When this happens, they will know how to appreciate stillness, smallness, ordinary things, kindness, gentleness. They have to be taught and talked to constantly about situations and how to handle them. I do not want an “ordinary” life for my children. I want an extraordinary life for my children. I want them to taste and experience life, be able to give life to others. If there is to much busyness/running around, then the parent should be adult enough to determine if the busyness is going to benefit the child for the future or if it is just spinning wheels that will really accomplish nothing in life for them and determine to put the brakes on for the activity/ies. If there is so much busyness that it takes away from rest, family, recharging, school work, time with the Lord, then it is obviously time to put the brakes on. There is a difference between comparison and striving. Comparison is NEVER a good thing. The Lord made us all unique. Striving because of comparison is just as unhealthy. Once again, children should be taught this from the earliest ages. We should strive to be better, whether it is our attitudes, character, learning, accomplishing, working, etc….I am only commenting on this because too many will read this post and assume that others who strive, have accomplishments, etc…..are superficial (to make themselves feel better) and that is just simply not true. The fact is, my children are going to grow up. One day in life, they will have to compete for college acceptance or scholarships or jobs. Unfortunately, one cannot get away from competition in this life. Competition is not a bad thing when it is not internalized for self-harm……Again, training at young ages, parents examples and knowing that they are still loved the same and not less. I want my children to live extraordinary lives while touching many lives with the Lord, so that others may “taste and see that the Lord is good.” The Bible is FILLED with extraordinary lives that the Lord used. I want my kids to strive to make a better life for themselves because the truth is living takes money even if it is to be able to help and give to others! No, do not worship the money. If my children end up struggling in life constantly because they have no money to make ends meet or was not taught to be wise with what they have, I can assure you they are not going to be focusing in life on the smallness and stillness of life, of giving, gentleness, kindness, not comparing with others and other lives because they will be weary, depressed, comparing, complaining, disdain, dislike, self pity, etc……THE KEY to all, is the Lord and His Word has got to TRULY be the center of lives. NOTHING will ever satisfy (no amount of money, material things, friends). The only measuring stick, should be the Lord’s measuring stick.
Nicely said, thanks for sharing.
Amen!! God’s teachings are absolutely the key to all things!
Beautiful beautiful indeed. Brings so much peace and reassurance to my heart. This is all I’ve ever wanted for my kids and its so hard to keep your focus in such a competitive society x
I absolutely love the words “Help them instead to find the wonder and the marvel of an ordinary life.” That is so beautiful and profound! It’s in everyday’s gifts that we find true meaning, beauty, gratefulness and most importantly, love. My kids are 17 and 19 now but I still pray they will see me live those words so they can live them too! And I try to speak to that type of live as well for them.
Thanks for this great article!
~Allison
THIS: “You don’t need to be loud to be heard. You don’t need to look a certain way to be seen. You don’t need to be liked by everyone. You don’t need to do earth-shattering things to make a difference in this world.”
We agree. As we, in our nonprofit, encourage sharing acts of kindness and service – to help raise kind and caring children – we tell parents that it’s often the little efforts that make the biggest impact. And it’s the little moments that create the biggest memories.
Great piece to promote great conversations.
I love this message. Especially of finding contentment with what you have. I find my kids always looking for the next best thing—toy, experience, etc. Thanks for this wonderful reminder that we are enough!
I love this! My children are grown, but still struggle with this very thing. I like to tell them to relax, you don’t need to prove anything to anyone but yourself…and don’t be too hard on yourself!
BTW-you visited my beautiful Black Hills as shown in the second picture of Sylvan Lake! It’s in my backyard (pretty much)! Love it here!
The Black Hills are one of our favorite places on earth! 🙂
This is so beautiful and moving, thank you for putting into words my aspirations for my children.
This article was a good read. Having an ordinary life is just really great.
But what most people misinterpret is that having an ordinary life is the same as lazing around the whole day doing nothing. This is because of access to everything at the touch of a button. The marvel that technology bought has deprived the people of ordinary lives. Entertainment ,fun, enjoyment everything is through your phone and internet. Gone are the days when kids used to hang out in the park and play and go to each others house. All that the kids are interested is in a mobile phone. Adapting to technology is a good thing but it has its negative impacts as well. Social media has become the new ordinary for them.
Being ordinary is to explore and enjoy what the mother earth has to offer for us. Being ordinary is to have conversations with people (friends or family)in real time and real place and not on social media and finally being ordinary is to live your life the way you want it to be and not to someone else’s expectations.
Such a beautiful post.
Beautifully written. My favorite is make the ordinary come alive for them. The extraordinary will take care of itself.
As parents we have the opportunity to impart our values, but in the end, the kids decide what they want for their own lives, just as we did! That’s a good thing! 🙂
Beautifullu said and i can recognize so much of my belief (islam) in this!
Thank you so much for your post! This is my first time on your blog, a friend sent me a link to this article. I have 5 children ranging in age from 19 to 7. I am realizing that I need to slow down some and appreciate the ordinary more. It’s very beautiful when I allow myself to stop and enjoy it. So easy to fall into the mentality of bigger, better, more, etc. What a great reminder!
HI Rebecca! What a thoughtful post. I enjoy your writing and your point of view. Please say hi to all your kids and hubby from us. We are serving a temple mission in Cebu, Philippines and loving it! God bless!
I like this. It strikes me that many adults could stand to absorb this message. It is very hard to take a step back sometimes, given the various pressures of our lives, but it sure feels good when we do. Today, I sat crossed-legged on my bed with a pile of assorted socks surrounding me. I decided to take the time to slowly sort them into pairs. It was sort of a meaningless task made more meaningful, as I sat there focusing on just that one thing. I think it IS the little things you say and do that add up to a meaningful life philosophy.
Simply yet beautifully written. Thank you!
Such a beautiful reminder of the kind of parent I want to be. Thank you
Thank you!! This is simply beautiful, especially in such a noisy world.
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Thank you for sharing. One issue in the delivery that takes away from the the message, in my opinion, is when you refer to your son as a handsome boy. Then, in the next paragraph, you go into how your looks don’t matter. I’d suggest changing that adjective. Important overall message to share.
Thank you for Sharing such a Beautiful and Inspirational Thoughts.
It is so important that our children stop and enjoy life around them! It seems today’s children have every moment planned for them, and that is not the way to have a full and rewarding life. I hope others will stop and read this, as it is very important for the lives of their children. Thank you for Sharing.
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This is so beautiful, Rebecca. Thank you for sharing this simple message.
100% yes.
I remember this Popular skin care commercial (email me if you want to know who) where there were two doors into a building. Over one door was a banner (saying something like) “Awesome” and over the other door was (something like) “Ordinary”. For those who noticed and/or cared, they had to “pick” which door to go through. You could see the trouble many had. I mean, thinking you’re “ordinary” isn’t good enough anymore. You have to think you’re amazing! beautiful! awesome! the best you can be! But, what about those that aren’t that, don’t feel like that and/or truly don’t need to be that to be happy. I don’t have any self esteem issues (that I know of) and I think that I’m ordinary. And, truth be told, I just want to be ordinary. I like ordinary.
There’s nothing the matter with being ordinary.
Besos Sarah
journeysofthezoo at hotmail dot com
But what did you end tell him that moment? 🙂